3 am Thoughts – Immortal Beloved

Two weeks ago, I got flowers almost everyday. This week, I have a feeling it’s baked goods. And not just any baked goods—keto cakes. I just left the gym when a delivery guy ran up to me and handed me a box of cake. A card was in it, and it came with weird Screen Shot 2018-05-22 at 12.01.18 AM.pngintructions. Inside the card was a one-liner—you’re so f****n precious when you smile. I was taken aback because it’s from one of my current favorite songs, Mine by Bazzi. I should have thrown the cake right away. Was he telling me I need to fatten up, or I’m too fat already so I better have cake? The weird instruction was to check my email. True enough, it was from my admirer (yes, I got one!). He emailed me the lyrics of Mine.

Mine is a very cheesy song. Cheesy got me, so I decided to keep the cake. What sorcery is this, were my first words when I tasted it. It was so good! I felt guilty afterwards though, not because it was fattening, but I felt like I was betraying my immortal beloved.

Now where does Immortal Beloved fit in all of these, one may ask? I was watching that film last week. I remembered how it affected me, just like when I saw it for the first time many years ago. Basically, Beethoven and his immortal beloved broke up because of some stupid miscommunication. My thoughts turned to my own immortal (?) beloved.

He can really be very sweet when the moon is full, or an insensitive ass who I sometimes curse.  He complains that I drive him up the wall, but hey, he does it too. I’m being a Virgo, he would say. He is difficult, but he is delusional not to realize this. The guy is very intelligent, I give him that, but gets pissed when I beat him in a word game, or karaoke. He is deluded enough to think he can beat me in scrabble. Ha! I roll my eyes whenever he has this moments of delusion. He likes to pretend he doesn’t get jealous, or he doesn’t care. I think he’s crazy, but I must be crazier to be with him. I wish he could really see into me, even just once, so that he will know what I truly feel for him.

This admirer is good-looking, intelligent, and very sweet. We speak the same language, and like the same things other people might find boring. Everyone is attracted to him, and I’d have to be totally blind not to find him attractive. I spoke to him recently and told him to stop. I just like him a friend. He said he doesn’t expect anything from me, and is contented to love me from a far. Intense, insane. I have no words. I am often tempted to be mean to him whenever he does something like this, but how can I be mean to someone who is sweet to me?

I already gave my heart to someone, and I never really got it back, nor do I want to get it back. Now, I’m not even sure how he feels because of, you guessed it, some stupid miscommunication. One would think in this age, communication would be effortless. It’s not, not when he doesn’t want to talk to you. Lately, I felt that he didn’t want to hear from me. Maybe he just didn’t love me at all, or he is just waiting to see what is out there for him (there is no one!). I haven’t reached out to him not because of pride, but because I feel unwanted. I know when I’m not wanted, and in as much as I want us to be together forever, I will never chase a guy. If he wants to, he can always text me.

It’s funny how we love someone, and we wish they would love us the way we want to be loved, yet we can’t reciprocate the love given to us by someone we don’t see in a romantic light. Love isn’t complicated, but people are. Or maybe the Universe is having one of her jokes.

I decided to watch that part of the film again where Beethoven’s immortal beloved finally read his letter because I’m a sadistic masochist who wants to torture herself.

What longing in tears for you — You — my Life — my All — farewell. Oh, go on loving me — never doubt the faithfullest heart

Of your beloved


Ever thine.
Ever mine.
Ever ours.

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