Virgos detest unpleasant surprises, this is an understatement. We usually see things coming our way like clockwork. We are often accused of being over-thinkers, and I’m not in the least surprised. We analyze every situation like it’s a chess game, plotting all the possible moves and scenarios, and always twelve steps ahead in each of them.
When I met Chris online, I never pegged him as boyfriend material. Sure, I could tell he was smart, an intellectual, and had a wry sense of humor, qualities that would usually lure me like bee to honey. But I was in a deplorable state, I didn’t want a relationship. I just came off a horrible one. I was tired, I thought of becoming a nun, but he was breath of fresh air. Men don’t come knocking on my door. It’s not because I possess a face only a mother could love, I get bored with the usual Johns, and my default resting b*tch face doesn’t help. Men scare easily. Most of them bore me, because they usually come with a personality of a cardboard. To me, they are either mundane or a god, most of the time the former. Chris was neither boring nor cowardly.
He came, we met, long story short, we’re together. This wasn’t going to be one of my online dating horror stories. And then came JJ.
A few days before I was supposed to get my period, I had a spotting. At first, I thought my period came early. It turned out to be implantation bleeding. I was a little hesitant to tell Chris as he was traveling at that time. When I first suspected that I was with child, my first thought was, “Could we be so lucky?” I felt that it is inconceivable for me to be pregnant in my late thirties. I tried not to get excited until I was really sure that I was conceiving. It was my way of protecting myself. I know myself well enough I don’t deal with disappointments well. Chris was excited, but I tempered my expectations.
I bought 3 pregnancy test kits. The first two were a bit blurry, but the third was was clear as day. I had a blood test too, and it was positive! I was beside myself — I’m having a baby! We’re having a baby! When I was pregnant with my first born, people would tell me it was a girl. I just knew things, I knew my baby was going to be a boy. In fact, I named him Seth the moment I knew I was with child. No one could dissuade me otherwise. So Seth came to be, and of course he was a boy.
We named her before she was even conceived. I guess we were hopeful. Some would say it was jinxing it, but we were over the moon. I just knew that JJ is a girl. We wanted a girl, heck, everyone wanted a girl. I knew deep down she was a she. So I finally allowed myself to be excited! I wanted to shout it to the world that I was pregnant! I started watching baby videos. In true Virgo fashion, I researched — what to eat, what not to eat, what to do, what not to do.
Morning sickness and fatigue didn’t show, I glowed! Everyone around me noticed, and deep down, I finally, felt blessed and contented, like everything was right in the world for once.
I had to remember how it was like being pregnant. Suddenly, I was a proponent of healthy living. My friends had a good laugh — it was almost comical that I would eschew drinking. Kegfests and all drinking invites were halted. No more chill out Thursdays. Avocados were my new best friends. I crave them! I could eat them all day. Tomatoes too! I love tomatoes! JJ loved them, I didn’t throw up when I ate them.
I missed Chris. He was abroad and delayed in coming back to me. I was needy, moody, and mushy, I totally felt not myself. Kudos to him for his patience in dealing with Jenzilla, because I’d totally hate me at that stage.
I was sleeping when it happened. I woke up covered in blood. I had cramps days before that. The doctor said it was nothing, it was the uterus adjusting and making way for JJ.
I rushed to the ER. I sent a frantic message to Chris. I lost JJ.
It was pain I never felt before. Not physical pain. I’ve read about women losing their babies. I recognize the pain, but was not really empathic. Now I know. No one would ever describe me as weak. I hate showing my feelings, wearing my heart on the sleeve. I know I’m strong, but nobody could have prepared me for this.
It’s a different kind of pain, the kind that sneaks up on you when you least expect it. The first night I lost her, I spend it curled up crying until I fell asleep. I had no one to share it. It could probably be different if Chris was here. Sure, everyone was distraught, but they didn’t know how it really felt.
My first instinct was to dull the pain — drink until I feel numb. But I didn’t want to drink. I still feel pregnant! JJ didn’t like alcohol. The day I started leaking milk, I just wanted someone to stab me and be done with it. I go out, present a brave front, but to someone who looks closer, my eyes betray me. They say there are four kinds of people who tell the truth — kids, the drunk, anyone who is pissed off, and people who are in love. They left out empty.
The two lines didn’t last forever. But there were two lines.